Motherhood is one of those things that is constantly described in a million different words, but cannot really be put into words at all. For me, it has been one of the grandest adventures I have ever experienced or can ever imagine experiencing. So something beyond words will have to try to be put onto this electronic device, loaded onto the vast world of the internet.
The best adventures involve struggle, defeat, and joy- in my opinion. Granted, I wouldn’t always tell you that in the middle of the struggle part, but in retrospect, it has always been that way for me. The moment the strip turned pink, for me, was one of the hardest of my life. It feels awful to say it now, but I was devastated. Why? Because that meant: motherhood. Something I wasn’t ready for, something I was not sure I ever even wanted. Something that was certainly not supposed to happen now. To read some of my process through that, read here.
To skip ahead, the day Aurora Rose was born into this world, my life changed. And no, I am not thinking of how I suddenly was changing diapers around the clock [which was not true, my husband and mother did most of the changing for the first month- I know, I’m lucky], nor that I stopped sleeping [because that happened to an extent, but I was so blessed with a husband who would wake up in the night when he could to give me a longer stretch and grandparents who would cover the morning shift whenever they were around- I know, I’m really lucky]. No, I don’t mean the logistics. All of our lives are constantly changing in their day to day habits and routines through life’s different seasons. I spent so much time during my pregnancy worrying about these things, but nothing prepared me for what would really change.
And that, was my heart. Aurora Rose changed my heart. Just by her mere ability to squirm her little body in my arms, my heart doubled in size. I suddenly knew a love that I did not even know existed. That love, it not only was a cloud nine type of love, it also hurt. Suddenly, the prospect of pain, death, heartbreak for my daughter were horrific thoughts that haunted me. Knowing such great joy in her life carried with it the very real reality that my daughter’s pain would also be my pain and my daughter’s heartbreak, my own. With a tiny little one in my hands, the fragility of life became all the more real to me.
Having Aurora Rose in my life has taught me the truth about service and the purpose of life. We often think that the best we can get out of life is accomplishing our own goals, pursuing our own happiness, and having the access to pleasure whenever we wish. But we’ve got it all wrong. There is so much more. And amazingly, that more is in giving ourselves up, in pouring out our hearts and passions to serve others. I’m still learning this, but in the small ways it has been in losing my old schedule of staying up late every night and sleeping in [night owl over here!] to get a good sleep to be present with my daughter in the morning. It is in putting the phone down to laugh at that super funny thing she was doing that I was missing out on. Like I said, little ways. But I am praying for the courage and humility to keep serving in the little moments so that I will be ready for the big ones.
So here you go, I am going to do you a service. I am going to share something really cute with you. And I mean, really really cute. I know that my husband and I are the most most obsessed with her cuteness, but for the hundreds of times that we have scrolled through these images and been cuted out, I am confident that one scroll through will bring you a smile.
“for in self-giving, if anywhere, we touch a rhythm not only of all creation, but of all being”
First Dress: courtesy of Auntie Carolyn
Second Dress: Target
Cupcake Cake: Cupcakes by Angela [seriously, it tastes as good as it looks]