Pregnancy. A word full of mixed feelings for me. When I first discovered that it was a state of living that I would now be entering into, I freaked. Broke down. Let’s just say, it was a big surprise. I had never looked forward to pregnancy and I certainly wasn’t planning to experience it as early as it came to me in life. And it was rough. The morning sickness, the heartburn, the insomnia… it wore on my body and challenged my emotions.
But greater than my fear//struggle with enduring pregnancy was, was my fear of motherhood. From what I could tell, motherhood was all-encompassing. Took over your life. Changed you in really big ways. Became everything you talked about and everything you did.
I suddenly watched mothers with both eyes wide open, tracking their every move and counting the times they brought up their children in a conversation. I scrolled through social media and compared the number of images that a woman put up of her child and of her husband. I was paranoid, to say the least. I was terrified of letting my entire identity become wrapped up in motherhood. I still wanted to be known as a wife, as a photographer, as a good friend, as a creative, as C h a r i s s a. This passion against having that identity of motherhood gave way for my Heavenly Father to ask, “but should you want to be identified by anything but Me alone?”. I quickly began to search the Word of God for definition and meaning of what it meant to be identified by Christ, to have my entire being wrapped up in being a child of God.
I was no surprise to God, I didn’t just “happen” to Him. He sought me out, chose me. Called me to be His daughter. And through the suffering and death of His Son on the Cross, I now have the opportunity to inherit in Christ’s glory, in His place at the right hand of the Father.
“now if we are children, then we are heirs–heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory”
So any day now, when I become a full-fledged mom, I can rest completely in my place in the Father’s care. Becoming a protector//provider//mother to another does not make me lose the place of protection, provision, and position I have in the Father’s Home and Kingdom. Though it would take a few blog posts to share all that He has worked in my heart, this place of identity, of knowing my permanent position under His care, is where I ultimately place all of my hope. It is the truth of who I am on the days that I love being a mother and on the days that I want to throw in the towel, the days I am thriving as a photographer and the times I feel lightyears behind, the days I fail as a friend, and even when I feel too tired to show up in my marriage.
“To be right with God the judge is a great thing, but to be loved and cared for by God the Father is a greater.”
― J.I. Packer
P.S. I firmly believe that I never could have made it through the past nine months without the incredible love, support, and smiles of my husband.